The Learning Experience

So..I didn't win... you know what? I realized I still have a fighter's spirit. I may be a little weak, (you challenge me and I'll kick your ass. Hopefully you'll catch me on one my boot/heavy shoe days) but I realized that I’d fight or at least bring people down with me. I didn't need the win this year. I needed the loss. It made me stronger, hell the whole SkillsUSA thing gave me more of a leadership role and that's more than getting a medal, which will last for as long as I’m around.

But getting to the Quiz Bowl, I hear that this may be the last year for any Quiz Bowl team. I hope that's not true. But you know what? If Ricardo became the brains of the group, I realized I became the heart of the team. I would end up being the one to relay messages, to bring people in, and to scan for talent. I still think that a team of Henry, Ricardo, Issis, Veronica, and I would have been the best possible equation for this year....oh back to the heart of the team...maybe it was the synergy that last year's team had. I'm gonna say something and it may sound vain, but it really shouldn't: Everyone communicated with me and I with them perfectly last year. For as much as I think Pam should have been replaced with Johanna last year, she did answer one question right. And that could have been the deciding factor.

Anywho...I realized something...am I really trustworthy? People seem to come to me and give me their problems/situations. Maybe it's the fact that I listen. Maybe it's the fact that when you become friends with me, you know that you won't be scorned (except for a few people i.e. Marc Shaw, don't know what happened there). Maybe it's that people know I only have two emotions: Happy and Sad. I'm never angry. (Or at least I never show my anger to people) Maybe it's the bottle effect for me: I used to not really tell people about myself, I’ve been opening up a little bit more.

I sorta realized that I can be independent a lot easier than I thought...when I went up there, I was the concerned mother of Quiz Bowl, making sure that everyone was there and I was even ironing Henry's shirt & handing him my extra tie, quizzing Deannah, making sure Johanna was on the bus, and waking up Ricardo. Have I become a Virgo and not realized it? Was I always like this? I guess I'm at that stage in life where I'm questioning myself and why I do this or what will I do in the future. I'm sure in the next few months I’ll really start building several characteristics that I’ve never even thought I had.

I was making friends with people I didn't know! Hell I was even trying to talk to Saunders Quiz Bowl team! I thank the piano (yet again) for being one of the best magnets ever. Meeting those weird girls from Orange Ulster (Cole and ...err I didn't catch your name "girl-with-dark hair-and-black-frame-glasses") but still sorta connecting with them? Yep. I even tried getting closer to my team (though I kept my distance from the "rowdy" types - just so I could get sleep) Kenya, Eboni, Chavon, Jennifer, Eileen (I’m sure I spelled that wrong), Lenny, and of course still being cool with Veronica. I also made sure I wasn't being a huge mooch off of one person or another.

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I didn't want to go back to school. I sorta didn't want to go back to Yonkers. I just wanted to stay in Syracuse with just friends, teammates, and teachers. A good getaway from my parents, my room, or my computer (I needed that). Was it that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" adage I seem to tell everyone (that and use the word "synergy" correctly in sentences)? I personally think that I'm great at letting go of people, ties, cars, or something. Though I’ve told people that I cry easily, it's usually only when my emotions hit a peak (either an up or down) like I cried both times in SkillsUSA, but both because I was so happy, for myself the first year, for Veronica and Vilma this year. Actually if you really want a weakness in Michael's armor? I almost crack and get emotional when listening to "House at Pooh Corner" or "Puff the Magic Dragon"! I dunno why though.

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Resident ADHD sufferer and slightly mental case Raymond was showing me his new medication and exclaiming that he's upping his medication from 40mg to something higher. Then he said that he couldn't go to the prom because he had to go to his psychiatrist that day. He also told me that there's a chance he'd die before graduation. Yep, die. Now I wasn't too sure if that was his medication talking or one of his semi-bi-polar emotions, but I asked him "So are you living your life to the fullest?" and he goes to me "No, I have to go to school". It made me question myself some more. Am I living the life I want to? Am I happy? If I die tomorrow, will I have accomplished as much as I could? I don't think so. I done a lot (several school shifts, countless academic awards, video game prowess, the ability to iron, cooking good food, making a website, etc.) and I think I lived my life the nicest I could in my situation. But is it enough? I dunno...Go Issis, with the whole J. Christ visitation thingie which I don't really understand, good luck anywho.

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Another realization: I have the best sister in the world. It may sound like I'm being cheesy or something but really, I do. Who else can I go play literati with, discuss Survivor tactics, or bake food with? I hope this short message shows my profound admiration and stuff like that.