In A Moment of Clarity

I guess that it's finally time that one of these journal entries is one of those abstract blogs where I try to figure out where my life is taking me. I changed up 3 of my classes this afternoon for my Fall 05 semester. I have decided to shift from Radio/TV Production to Media Management. Why? There are several reasons but the two main ones involve me not moving too much from the city and I think that the money is probably toward the marketing/management side. But at this point have I gotten too much into the whole money is what spins the world idea? I dunno, there are different views on that. I want to make sure that I have enough to keep a good lifestyle. I mean even with all the troubles that my parents are going through (skyrocketing insurance) they both still give money to their families back in the Philippines. I want to do that. Make sure that those "slacker" cousins have something. Make sure that I make more than my sister, then one day just for a minor twist of irony get a marketing position in Disney. Okay maybe not.

Then I keep forgetting that I'm human, a person that needs some attention, some affection, and some interaction. I love living in this house for the summer because I know I'm a person that severs ties during the summer. With this at least I could chill with Linda and Elena, even say hi to Audra. But Kevin is still here. I mean I shouldn't be popping up his name over and over, but seriously I believe that I'd love Kevin in small doses. I'm pretty sure that he thinks that I'd be tons more bearable in very very child-size doses. I get too mouthy, too loud, too opinionated, too bastardly, too pushy, too planned, too something, you know? I mean there's a part of me that wants other people to think that Kevin is a heartless fool. But it's not true. I know there are several people that will at almost any occasion take my side with no questions. But I'm not sure whose side is right. Kevin becomes horribly impulsive and that's one of his downfalls. But one of my downfalls is that I become too... trusting. There was one early morning and I was hanging out with the night-hosts and Kevin calls saying, "Paz... Mike, I can't breathe and I can't sleep. Can you come over here? I'm too afraid to sleep, because I keep thinking that I might DIE." Okay, I know Kevin goes through "freak out moments" (Like with the GNC pills, heh) but I kept thinking, what if Kevin actually dies and I didn't go. Of course Kevin played the right card and knew I'd come running.

Maybe I just need to find someone new. But it's hard to go into a relationship and then have to look for something meaningful. I'm not a screw and run kinda guy. I'm a Virgo. Idealism. Analysis. Stuff like that. I guess I have to bear the whole Kevin living around me for the next 3 or so weeks. Maybe this is the best way to get Kevin out of the way, a countdown of sorts.

I dunno, but I'm tired. I gotta sleep.

-Paz...Mike